How to Win Friends and Influence People — Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People — Dale Carnegie

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Main Take-Aways

• Most fools can criticize, condemn and complain–and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
• There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the person want to do it.
• If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.
• Try leaving friendly little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
• The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So rare is the individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.
• People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves.
• Jesus summed it up in one thought–probably the most important rule in the world: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
• The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make them feel important.
• Misunderstanding is never ended by an argument, but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
• Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes–and most fools do–but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
• So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them.
• Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
• You deserve very little credit for being what you are –and remember, the people who come to you are irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.
• A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
• Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
• Change the word “but” to “and”.
• Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
• If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.

Preface

• Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face.
• If you wish to get the most out of this book, there is one indispensable requirement — a deep driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.
• Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.
• Self-examination and review and appraisal:
  • What mistakes did I make?
  • What did I do that was right–and in what way could I have improved my performance?
  • What lessons can I learn from that experience?

Part One — Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

• Principle 1 – Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
  • Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s pride hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
  • The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned. 
  • Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.
  • Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin with yourself?
  • When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
  • Most fools can criticize, condemn and complain–and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
  • Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism: and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
• Principle 2 – Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
  • There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the person want to do it.
  • The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.
  • The craving to be appreciated. Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of their hand.
  • If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you hat you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.
  • “I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything< I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.” – Charles Schwab
  • The difference between flattery and praise? One is sincere and the other is insincere.
  • In our interpersonal relationships we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation.
  • Try leaving friendly little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
  • “I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Principle 3 – Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
  • Of course you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
  • So the only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
    • How do you know what they want? Ask!
  • Every act you have performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.
  • Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?” That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.
  • Customers like to feel like they are buying–not being sold.
  • The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So rare is the individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.

Part 2 – Six Ways to Make People Like You

• Principle 1 – Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
  • You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people to be interested in you.
  • People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves.
  • All of us like people who admire us.
  • If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people–things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
  • If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
    • Big baby turn.
• Principle 2 – Smile
  • The expression one wears on their face is more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.
  • You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
  • Everybody in the world is seeking happiness–and there is one sure way to to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
• Principle 3 – Remember That a Person’s Name is to That Person the Sweetest and Most Important Sound in Any Language
  • The average person is more interested in his or her own name than all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment.
  • We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing…and nobody else.
• Principle 4 – Be a Good Listener. Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
  • I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had merely been a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.
  • So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
• Principle 5 – Talk in terms of the Other Person’s Interest
• Principle 6 – Make the Other Person Feel Important — And Do it Sincerely
  • I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory long after the incident has passed.
  • Jesus summed it up in one thought–probably the most important rule in the world: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
  • The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make them feel important.
  • The unvarnished truth is that almost all people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

Part 3 – How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

• Principle 1 – The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid It
  • I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument–and that is to avoid it.
  • Misunderstanding is never ended by an argument, but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
  • Distrust your first impression.
  • Listen First – Give your opponent a chance to talk. Let them finish.
  • Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
• Principle 2 – Show Respect for the Other Person’s Opinions. Never Say “You’re Wrong.”
  • There is magic in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”
  • You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and pen and broad-minded as you are.
  • Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased.
• Principle 3 – If You are Wrong, Admit it Quickly and Emphatically
  • If you know you are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?
  • There is a certain degree of satisfaction from having the courage  to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
  • Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes–and most fools do–but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
  • When you are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong, let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results: but, believe it or not, it is a lot more more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
• Principle 4 – Begin in a Friendly Way
  • Kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
• Principle 5 – Get the Other Person Saying “Yes, Yes” Immediately
  • In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing–and keep on emphasizing–the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
  • Get the other person saying “yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.”
  • The more “Yesses” we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
• Principle 6 – Let the Other Person do a Great Deal of the Talking
  • Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. Let them tell you a few things.
• Principle 7 – Let the Other Person Feel that the Idea is His or Hers
  • Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions–and let the other person think out the conclusion?
  • So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them.
• Principle 8 – Try Honestly to See Things from the Other Person’s Point of View
  • Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
  • There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason–and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
  • Success in dealing with other people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
• Principle 9 – Be Sympathetic with the Other Person’s Ideas and Desires
  • Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person attentively?
  • Yes? All right. Here it is. “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
  • You deserve very little credit for being what you are –and remember, the people who come to you are irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.
  • Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
• Principle 10 – Appeal to Nobler Motives
  • A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
  • So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
• Principle 11 – Dramatize Your Ideas
  • This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship.
• Principle 12 – Throw Down a Challenge
  • The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
  • That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.

Part 4 – Be a leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

• Principle 1 – Begin with praise and Honest Appreciation
  • It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we heard some praise of our good points.
  • Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
• Principle 2 – Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly
  • May people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but”, and ending with a critical statement.
  • Change the word “but” to “and”.
• Principle 3 – Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person
  • It isn’t nearly as difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the other person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
• Principle 4 – Ask Questions Instead of Giving orders
  • Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time–even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
  • Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
• Principle 5 – Let the Other Person Save Face
  • Letting the other person save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it.
  • Let people go easily. Show gratitude for what they accomplished while they were there.
  • Even if we are right, and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
• Principle 6 – Praise the Slightest Improvement and Praise Every Improvement
  • Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
  • Everybody likes to be praised, but when the praise is specific, it comes across as more sincere.
  • If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
  • Abilities wither under criticism, they blossom under encouragement.
• Principle 7 – Give the Other Person a Fine Reputation to Live Up To
  • In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait was already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
• Principle 8 – Use Encouragement. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
  • Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it.
• Principle 9 – Make the Other Person Happy About Doing the Thing You Suggest
  • The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior.
    • Be Sincere.
    • Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
    • Be empathetic.
    • Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
    • Math those benefits to the other person’s wants.
    • When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he will personally benefit.